My thoughts aren’t even my own anymore. Before, my brain would be able to clearly communicate things that were going on in the world around me so I could understand what was happening, but as of late, it just seems as though my mind is playing tricks on me. From starting to see things out of the corner of my eye to my mind inaccurately constructing shapes into something it’s not, I’m starting to feel like I’m gaslighting myself or someone who created this reality of mine is really bad at programming. Maybe I’m the programmer and I’m losing sight of the real world, and that is causing this simulation to crumble. Regardless, it’s falling down quickly and I’m feeling like the only thing I can do at this point is just experience it while it’s happening. Just watch the life I created for myself fall apart as though it didn’t even happen. Like I was never here. The memories I’ve built with my family and friends. The experiences I’ve had with success as well as failure. The dreams I’ve shared, the fears I’ve kept to myself… every little thing that makes me, well, me, just washed away into a massive, unstoppable ocean of random misfortune.
I want to feel furious, or defeated, or even helpless. I want to have the feeling of feeling something again, but I don’t know any more if what I’m feeling or thinking is even of my own fruition, or that of the simulation that is now tearing down around me. What part of me ends and this simulation begins? My doctor once told me there’s a name for this condition, but I can’t seem to remember the name of it. I can’t seem to remember much of anything anymore. It’s like all the neurons in my brain that keep me connected to my memories and clear thinking just got angry and quit one day; like they’re plotting against me with the rest of my brain. Sometimes they come back and I’m able to remember things, but today doesn’t seem to be one of those days. Today, I just have to sit here and try to remember why I’m sitting in this chair, looking out the window. Today I am tasked with the responsibility of reminding myself that my spouse passed away over 5 years ago, and the person I see in the chair next to me isn’t actually there. Today I am supposed to be visiting with my children who constantly tell me of the condition I have, all the while I am in constant suspicion if they are also part of the simulation. I don’t like it in this simulation. My own thoughts aren’t even my own anymore.